Sunday, December 19, 2010


Do you ever get so caught up in living your own life that you forget to think about how your closest friends are living theirs? I mean, you know what's going on but you don't do the right thing? Or you don't even know what the right thing is to do it?

Today I was walking on a mountain path with a couple friends and my wife. I was so busy talking to my wife that when my friend fell I saw it happen but thought she just tripped. I yelled back, "Let me know if you need anything..." Really she fell off the edge, but luckily another friend was there to catch her.

That didn't really happen. Not like that. The mountain path was emotional. But do you get what I mean? I hate it when stuff like this happens.

I feel like a scuzzbucket sometimes.

Sunday, November 21, 2010


I had a dream this morning, just before I woke up. I don't think I'll share it, but it made me realize that one of my fears about being a mother is stronger than I thought. My cousin is giving birth today and I checked her status last night before I went to bed, so I can only assume that's why I dreamed what I did (which actually had nothing to do with her but it was awful). I have dreamed the same thing in variations for a little while now, and there's a tiny part of me that worries... if you dream something often enough.... is it because it's going to come true? God has worked through dreams countless times. Why should I be any different? I can only hope that's not what's really going on.

Friday, October 29, 2010

Another Language

Every time I watch the movie Avatar there's a scene that speaks to me. It's where this guy Jake is learning about the Na'vi culture and language and he's told that there is a phrase, "I see you," that means something more than just the words. It means, "I see you, I see into you, I see who you are, and I accept you. I love you." I wish there were a word or phrase for that concept in the English language. Sometimes I read blog or facebook posts where I don't really have anything to contribute, and if I post a comment it will just be empty words.

I wish there were something I could say that meant, "I read this, and while I read it, every heartbeat was dedicated to you. I will think about this far longer than it took me to read it, and I will think about it again later today--maybe even tonight, tomorrow, or a month from now. I think about you a lot. I read this and acknowledge your pain/love/sentiment. I was here. You are a part of me and I understand what you are saying. I see who you are--your inner thoughts--and I love you. I just have nothing to contribute at the moment. But I was here."

I suppose I could just go with "I see you," but would that make me something of an Avatar geek?

Saturday, October 23, 2010

Speaking of babies.....

We want one. We want some. We want children badly. For those of you who think we don't deserve one because we'll instill bad values--with all due respect, go jump off a dock. You can have your beliefs and your prejudices, but they are wrong. I am going to be a great mother, and Julie is going to be a great mother, and we will both be mothers. There won't be a "mom" and an "aunt." We are going to have children of our own, and it will be soon. I won't be telling you right away, since it's something that I don't want you to have any part of ruining. There are some of you who ruin everything for me by telling me I'm doing it wrong, by telling me I'll mess things up, by telling me God sees me and is unhappy. Don't pretend you know what goes on in God's omniscient head.

Have you ever watched me or Julie with children? Have you ever seen the love in our eyes? Do you have any idea how much effort we will put into raising the most tender-hearted, educated, humor-appreciating, God-fearing children who will ever walk the planet? It's not like we intend to just "go get knocked up." We're doing this the right way. This child or children will have mothers who love them, and yes! FATHERS who love them! I want our children to have fathers. I know that might blow your mind, but I'm not some man-hating lesbian who thinks that men only ruin things. I think fathers are incredibly important and every child at some point will want to know who had a part in creating them--and I want our children to be able to know and love all of their parents.

So when I call you to tell you we're expecting, if you answer with anything other than "Congratulations!".... if you answer with a sigh, if you answer with a sarcastic "Well, that's great," ... if you answer with tears of unhappiness, you cannot reasonably expect to be a large part of our children's lives--because I don't want them to have to dread coming to see you, knowing how you judge our family. I don't want to drop them off to stay with you only to hear later the lies you've put into their heads. I can promise you that the first time you hurt them by telling them that their family is not a real family will be the last time you see them.

So, speaking of babies... we're going to have them, we're going to love them, and we're going to be prouder of them than anything else we've ever done in our lives.

Thursday, October 7, 2010

Officially Annoying.

It seems that suddenly there are a lot of things in my life that need to be officially done. We needed to officially get our marriage application notarized. We needed to drive over to Iowa to get officially married. We got our official marriage certificate but now need certified copies of our birth certificates (which I might have to have the application notarized, since I don't have the original one) and to send our official marriage certificate with it to the social security office so they can send us our new official social security cards. But I'm not sure if I should just drive it down there so that I can hand it to them in person. But I would have to take a whole day off to do that. Then we have to take our official social security cards, after waiting two weeks to get them, and take them to the DMV and hope and pray that the official office will agree to give us new official driver's licenses. Why is this so hard? Why can't Social Security team up with the states and automatically send out new cards when the name change is indicated on the marriage certificate?!? After all that, I have to contact a ton more people to get my name changed, like utilities, credit cards, not to mention my employer, because I need a new name plate—and do I change my email or not? I've been using that one a long time... It's all very frustrating, and the more I think about it, the more irritated I get. I don't have time to get a ton of things notarized, and why the heck don't we have a social security office closer than an hour away? It's not like this town is THAT small!! Oh, big whoop, so we have someone here on the second Wednesday of every month from 9:30am-noon. Seriously? Once a month, there's someone here for two and a half hours!? SERIOUSLY?!?

Friday, September 17, 2010


Why the ups
and then the downs
why do they feel
so real
and then seem
so wrong

I catch myself letting one event or one person's words bring me down for the rest of the day. I'll be crazy excited about something, and then one little thing can ruin the whole thing for me. I can't decide if I need tougher skin or if those things really should affect me like that.

Tuesday, September 14, 2010


On days like today I alternate
throwing things
biting my nails
falling asleep
hiding from the world
on days like today
I have no idea how to put into words
all the things that I feel.

Saturday, September 11, 2010


I posted this as my facebook status:

To the ones with fear, to the ones who didn't know, to the ones who saw it coming, to the ones who got away, to the ones who didn't, but most importantly, to the ones who bravely entered the buildings or crashes knowing there was a chance they wouldn't make it out-- you are not forgotten, and you are loved.

I never know exactly what to say about this day. There are so many emotions I feel and I didn't even know anyone in any of the crashes or resulting disasters. I feel pain for those who have lost someone, and pain for the loss of security ...we all have. I feel immense pride in the brave people who worked to free trapped victims, to provide relief, and those who became victims themselves in the process. I feel shame not knowing if I could have done the same.

Mostly, though, I think I feel fear that this day will become just another day that people forget about. I mean, how many people do you know who can, off the top of their heads, tell you which day Pearl Harbor's attack happened? They know what it is, and which war it happened with, but it's not usually the first thing to come to their mind when they hear the date.

Friday, September 10, 2010

Last Chance

So the wife-to-be is going to have her bachelorette party tomorrow. I'm going to miss her. But she's super excited about her mafia party, with her mafia suit and all the party's matching bachelorette shirts.

*I* am excited about MINE! It's a sweet 80s-wedding-themed party. I'm going to be wearing a white wedding dress with a big fat bow on my butt, and this v-shaped crown with a huge poufy veil I made. My friends will all be in 80's bridesmaid dresses and suits. All on the 18th.

This. Will. Be. Epic.

22 days left!!

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Self Esteem

The enemy
is worse than anything
ever said to me.
The fighting and biting and
acid words
hissed in my ear
sound so
as though no other person
in the world
could know better.

Tuesday, September 7, 2010


Odd, isn't it
How the world doesn't actually
around me.

Odd, isn't it
How I have it much better than it
some days.

Odd, isn't it
How the "everything" I knew is really
at all.

Monday, June 28, 2010

Words for when there are none

Just another drop in your
puddle of sympathy
doesn't seem too important
to me
maybe to you
it means the world
if you wanted me to
I would rain only for you.

Sunday, June 20, 2010

Love and Apathy

Today is Father's Day. I have a pretty great one, so here's to him. Charles Steven Forrester, known to those who love him as "Steve," is the best dad I know. I'm also pretty certain he's Superman. Love you, dad.

Today is also the one month anniversary of my best friend's daughter's death. So here's to you, Isabelle. You were wonderful, and you will never ever be forgotten. Never. I stood in the baby section today at Walmart and picked up a pair of preemie shorts and started to cry. They were so tiny, they might have even been too small for you in your tiny little diaper butt. Thank you for everything you were able to share with us while you were here, and someday we'll meet again.

Yesterday, instead of doing anything related to photography, the wedding, or cleaning, I opted to stay in bed from the moment I woke up until 8 something that night--so roughly twelve hours-- and read. On my iTouch. Yes, on a 2"x3" screen. It was marvelous. The best part is, I am getting pretty caught up with the photography so I didn't even feel *that* guilty about it. I think I need to spend more days getting back to what I really love, and getting away from the computer. Don't get me wrong, I love photography and whatnot, but just losing myself in a different world is a great feeling.

Thursday, April 29, 2010

The Difference

Winds of change
don't always blow
when you're ready, waiting
and set to go

Thursday, March 4, 2010


Why is it that
we have not
we dream to have
when we have
we dream to have not?